"I'm not Irritable you're just Fucking Stupid"

Is what I'm pretty sure was the first sentence I uttered aloud this morning. It was swiftly followed by...


Coworker 1: Aww did you see Coworker 2's engagement ring?
Me: I saw she needed a manicure.


Well, she did.




So here's a list of things I hate today... in no particular order.




1. The Mexican that was sitting on the curb, shirtless, talking on the phone and clipping his goddamn toenails... when I pulled out of my garage at 8:30am this morning. I fantasized more than briefly about backing over him but I think blood will mess up my paint, right?

2. People who ask me to repeat myself. This is not just solely for people who can't hear. It is also for people who ask me the same thing, more than likely the same exact way, over and over to see if my answer changes. I gave you my answer the first time! If I change my mind I am surely capable of letting you know.

3. Scales. All scales.
3b. and also, the bitch at The Company who lost weight by... "drinking more water". I may or may not be plotting to fuck her up in the parking lot.

4. Sallie Mae. Nuff said.

5. Strangers who call me looking for someone else and then wanna strike up a conversation. No sir I do not know LaQuinta. No sir this is not that number. Yes I am as pretty as my voice sounds. I am also a 6 foot tall, 300 pound linebacker of a superdyke. Goodbye.

6. People who refuse to text me. I DON'T LIKE TALKING ON THE PHONE!!! WHO DOESN'T KNOW THAT BY NOW?!?!??! I'm not gonna pick up when you call, and if you do I will not be contributing to the convo. YOU are the reason our relationship has stalled. Communicate with me how I see fit. You ain't special nigga.

7. Anyone on earth who owns a Mini Cooper. Because I cannot have one. So I am hating on you. Especially because I think you are all joining together to drive past me and make me cry.

8. Honey. Because if she wakes up at 6:30am one more morning whining and throwing toys on my head for me to play with her, she will surely be banished to the backyard forevermore.

9. Having to pretend that I am a nice person. I am at this funny place in my life where I am wholly disgusted with my propensity for responsibility and decorum. I would like to erase that. Therefore, I have been shopping (after I pay my bills. Some things just don't change) because it is 3,729 degrees Celsius and I don't own one pair of shorts. And I am placing a moratorium on plans. I don't wanna make them. Ever or any more. And even more importantly, I am tired of tempering what I have to say because it's not "nice". Strap on a pair you pussy.

10. Politics. While my staunch support for President Obama has not changed, I am quite tired of all the political posturing. Not everything is a racist or ageist or elitest comment. Sometimes people change their minds, especially after they are councilled and guided by the people around them. Maybe if the dumbass that was holding office now allowed himself to be councilled and could change his mind, he woulda brought our troops home when he found out that he sent them overseas based on "erroneous reports".

11. Strippers. But only cuz they make more money than me.

12. People who don't support gay marriage. Everyone, regardless of sexual orientation should have the right to be miserably shackled to another human being in a sham of a union built on the innate desire to fund the billion dollar wedding industry. It is the right of every person all over the world to be put in the position where they have to decide if they wanna go broke filing for divorce and fighting for assets just to then ever be branded a "divorcee". Or if they should just kill the bastard and run with the insurance money.

13. People who ask me if I am from Bankhead when I tell them I'm from Georgia. Yes, I know, Becky from Accounting, your favorite rapper is T.I. even despite all his legal woes. And I know that you have all his albums and you've seen Atl 37 times so you think you are an expert on all things Bankhead related. But there are some other cities in Georgia you dizzy bitch.

14. Being hit on by unattractive lesbians. I feel the same way about it as I feel about being hit on by unattractive men; I don't know whether to applaud you for trying to trade up or to feel bad about my self because you felt like you could pull me. This situation is doubly compounded by issues like Pride Weekend in Houston, where there was a whole gang of you dusty hoes and the lezzies make no qualms about beating your ass as though they were a dude... I mean you were a dude. Or whatever it is they like these days.

15. Not being able to talk to an actual person when I call a business. Most of the time I don't wanna talk to people. But sometimes I need to. I hate not being able to key ahead to get to an actual person because you are too fuckin cheap to hire real people or too fuckin lazy to answer the phone. BOO.

16. The fact that McDonald's doesn't serve liquor. I don't think I'm the only person who is in need of a Smirnoff shortie to go with my emotionally craved fries.

17. The asshole who hit my car and kept going. Leaving me with what will likely be a $500 deductible to fix the car I was seriously thinking about trading in. And since I'm not a stripper, I can't afford that.

18. Being an infant. Not like a for real for real infant. But being a grown ass man displaying childish ass tendancies. A grown ass anything really, but def a grown ass man. Yo I heard you was all of 2 steps outta the grave homie. I only wanted to know that you were doing ok. I am not interested in no rekindling of no kind. Unless you hadn't heard, I'm WIFED. No need to play on the phone you hoe ass nigga.

19. Having this conversation... ever.

Me: Well if he's not willing to give you what you want, why are you with him.

She: Because I keep hoping he will change.

Me: But he hasn't changed in (insert long ass time here). What makes you think he's going to?

She: But we've just been together so long...

Me: And he's still the same nigga he was (insert long ass time here) ago.

She: Yeah but...

Me: No but. The only real question is; 'is this situation serving you?'

She: No.

Me: Then...

She: But I love him.

Jesus.

And last and certainly not least...

20. The fact that I am so damn irritable and thrown off by today that I can't even come up with a 20th thing. This is that bullshit.

I'm outta town for the weekend. Be safe! I'll be too drunk to read your blogs but leave me something good for Tuesday ok?

Strap on a Pair: a Democratic Call to Serve

(I should temper this by saying that I am in a supremely bad mood...)


I have been a Democrat ever since I got a real grasp on what it meant to be an ass or an elephant. For the most part I can say that my views directly align with the majority of the views held in the largest numbers of the Democratic party. I only have one sincerely, earnest issue with my fellow Dems...


Where on EARTH are our collective balls?



I said it back in '04 when John Kerry was clotheslined by Swift Boat Veterans for Bush. (and no changing it to Swift Vets and POWs for Truth won't change the fact that you helped doom our country's international stature, our economy, and our faith in our own government). I said it way back in February when Bill Cunningham took great pains to call our next president Barack Hussein Obama three times, and it took his own candidate to "throw him under the bus". I even said it a few weeks ago when people were all up in arms about allegations that Al Gore isn't as green as he says he is. And I'll say it again now that Republicans are jumping all over General Wesley Clark.




Would you STRAP ON A PAIR DEMOCRATS?


We are getting our ass handed to us by Republicans who smear reputations like they inhale and exhale. They have been doing it for years. They will do it for years to come. It is their way. And yes Obama, I know, you do not engage in that "old style of divisive politics". We admire you for it. It is part of the reason that I, like many other people, are exciting about voting for you in November. But let's be honest here; there is a very staunch difference between attacking someones military service (which, for the record, General Clark did NOT do) and raising a very real and valid question; does serving in the military and being a prisoner of war automatically endow you with the ability to be President?

The long and short answer is no.

The more appropriate answer is HELL NO.


That's like me saying I used to babysit a lot, so I am DEFINITELY ready to be a mother.


Let's get real, Real Talk Express. You know just like I do, and just like any American with the ability to read and discern on a first grade level does that General Clark in no way critiqued Senator McCain's military record. As a serviceman himself, I seriously doubt he could bring himself to do such a thing (unlike Redneck Veterans for Falsehoods). As a matter of fact, I believe he praised McCain's service. He just merely asked the question that I wish Obama's campaign and millions of Republicans would have the cajones to ask; does that mean you are ready to be commander in chief? There are certainly a lot more issues to deal with as the next President than just the war in Iraq, as important as that is.

But my real issue is not the fact that Republicans are calling it a heinous attack on a war hero. I expected that much. That's what this campaign and many have been all about; who can spin faster and better than their opponent. My issue is the Democrats rushing to kiss the ass of pundits who have jumped on the bandwagon and "reject" the comments. General Clark didn't attack McCain. He asked a logical, rational question that we all should be asking, given the fact that his military service is at the forefront of his self proposed list of qualifications. It was a fair question asked in a completely non disrespectful way. All this does is make Obama look like the spineless, waffling dreamer that Republicans are trying to make him out to be in the press. And furthermore it loosens the solid ground of honest and real talk that Obama claims to stand on and further gives credence to the idea that John McCain is better equip to deal with the war in Iraq because of his service, whether it's inherently true or not. And I will bet the child that I know I am not ready to have despite how many times I babysat that the Republicans will be using that to their advantage. And SOON.

Why don't we try real straight talk all around candidates?

Senator John McCain is a hero that served his country through some of the most trying experiences a human being can face. During a war when many servicemen came home disenfranchised and bitter, Senator McCain has proven in many ways that he is still patriotic and dedicated to serving his country. His contributions should be lauded. His service record should not be questioned or "swiftboated" in any way. To do so would be disingenuous and in poor taste for a man who has endured far more than most of us can imagine.

(Look it! And that even from a card carrying Dem!)

But the fact of that matter is, that alone does not qualify you for Presidency. There are certainly attributes and experience that could make you a good candidate. But that hasn't been the focus. As it has been presented to the American people, being a POW is why McCain is more equipped to deal with Iraq. And that doesn't add up to me. Or hopefully, to anyone else. (Though I know that is wishful thinking on my part.)


And to President Obama, I truly admire your dedication to diplomacy even though I obviously don't share it. But there is, and must be, a marked difference between diplomacy and the utter refusal to step where the waters might be muddied. I understand wholeheartedly that in defending General Clark, it could have very well hurt you if not handled correctly. But isn't that why you have assembled the best and the brightest and run such a well disciplined, finely oiled campaign machine? To handle things correctly? You have rejected Clark for doing exactly what you have encouraged millions of Americans to do; questioning authority and popular thought. It is not only our right, it is our duty as Americans to ask the hard questions, to be honest and forthright even when it is not popular or pretty. You said that in a speech here in Houston. So why aren't you doing it?


And the story that started it all, the postings and comments here at Daily Kos that got me to ranting. Please notice that a resounding number of comments from the linked site are all from veterans (and should therefore, by current rules, not be discounted or discredited in any shape form or fashion) are overwhelmingly in support of General Clark's remarks and share the same concern, as do I.

New Orleans, LA

2 weeks ago





"Girl, it's 9 o'clock. Wake up La."

It's always kinda strange when my mother addresses me because she sounds just like me except where years of corporate life has sharpened her diction, I still often sound like I went to school on the south side of Atlanta. Half asleep and confused, I remind myself where I am, what I'm doing, that it is not me talking to me and telling me that it is 9 am and thusly somehow implying that I shouldn't be balled up under the covers and grumbling like an angry kitten.

I sit up straight in the lumpy bed, my eyes sweeping over the vast room, stopping only momentarily to observe the crevices of the room that Katrina still lives in; the warped bottom inches of the door, the faded colors of the carpet, the slight ceding of the baseboard from its union with the wall. I open the heavy drapes on the eight foot windows in the room and look out at the street car tracks as it cuts through Lafayette Square. It's beautiful out.

"We need to hurry. I don't want to miss the viewing."


It's always increasingly humorous to me that my mother expects her urgency to become my emergency. I recall that she was asleep right along with me. She even heard the alarm that I missed. And truth be told, I would rather miss the viewing. I don't want to see anything but the old columns of the buildings leading into the Arts District.

I get up, moseying, putting on my clothes in layers, like armor, debating the merits of a pantsuit versus what is usually my grown and sexy happy hour little black dress, appropriately dressed down with a tank underneath. The dress eventually wins out as summer in the south, New Orleans especially, ain't no joke.


It the bathroom I notice the rounds of my eyes look sunken into my face, dark against my light skin. Part of me wants to put on makeup but I'm pretty sure it will be an exercise in futility given our plans for the day. I instead concentrate on my hair, fashioning its length into soft and full curls that fall well below my collar bone. I take my time with each curl, concentrating hard, paying attention to the shape and smoothness and position of each, wasting time really. To the untrained eye it probably looks like I'm styling my hair but to me, because I know me, I recognize that I am merely raking my fingernails across my scalp, forehead to nape, as I am prone to do when I am thinking. Or tired. And Lord knows I am so tired.


Despite it being 2008, driving down the streets of New Orleans is much like driving down the streets of your favorite country town in the south, certainly not a backwoods vestige of American life pre-Civil Rights, but definitely not a glittering metropolis. There are no towering glass condos going up or immaculately pedicured lawns. No abundance of sprawling houses or even fast food places. No one wants McDonald's when you can get a crawfish po'boy next door. The streets are raised and cracked from the weather conditions of course, and the houses are still the same ranch style boxes that I imagine they were when afros were in and the Black Panther was king. New Orleans is the city that still looks like a small town, like Gretna Virginia, like Americus, Georgia, like Greenville, South Carolina, like Clinton, Mississippi.

If any of those had been hit by a catogory 5 hurricane in the last few years that is.


On the way to Saint James Major, I watch the juxtaposition of life and death through the truck windows. We pass the po'boy place on the corner of Gentilly where we once got hot sausage po'boys and plotted on a high ball at the juke joint further in 7th ward. That building stands across from a duplex, formidable black Xs painted on the front porch declaring 7 found dead inside on one side, 3 on the other, and 2 pets. Through every street named after a flower (Jonquil, Gladiolus) New Orleans stands as a physical manifestation of what we all should know and respect; life and death teeter in a precarious balance around us everyday.


Inside the cathedral, we greet our family, exchanging hugs and smiles and small talk dutifully, the chords of our laughter just barely strained out of tune under the weight of the forced pleasantries. To the layman, these melodies are as they should be, but to the trained musician of emotional distress, the orchestration is all minor chords and flats.

At the realization that she has not in fact missed the mandated viewing time, my mother walks towards the ornate altar all purposeful and swollen, the way I imagine she walks into a meeting full of men who aim to make her feel unimportant. I take that opportunity to escape into the bathroom, barely larger than that of an airplane, and squat on the toilet, not having to go but needing release. For a second my surroundings take me back over my history and I am young again and in the bathroom of a neighborhood church in Clarkston, Georgia, hiding from my stepfather and fumbling through the index of my well worn Bible and trying to find any and every scripture pertaining to divorce. But the moment is fleeting. I remind myself that I am an adult, that I should be able to conduct myself as such. And if all else fails, I know that staying in the bathroom all day won't tip the delicate universal balance of this life and the next in any particular direction or the other.


Though I haven't stepped foot in mass in many moons (my own liberal views on abortion, gay rights, women's equalities, and just about everything else long conflicting with the strict practices soliloquised to me amongst the Seven Sacraments, and scripture), the habitual nature of Catholicism comes back to me without even concentrating to recall it; the genuflecting at the pew, the responses when called, the prayers I haven't uttered since I kneeled in a confessional booth in a cathedral in New York, rosary gripped tightly in my palms leaving marks oddly like stigmata, as a priest told me to pray for forgiveness for the things that I'd done. I am physically present there in the pew, but in my mind I am in Scottsdale, right outside Atlanta, a few years ago burying my grandmother. I am in religion class, raising my hand and asking the teacher if being gay is wrong, why did God create gay people? and quietly being ushered to confession. I am 10 and singing in the choir, oblivious to the song's message, but thoroughly enjoying the power that comes from being the center of attention. I am 8 and crying in a bathroom at school because a boy in my social studies class told me my parents were going to burn in hell because they were divorced. I am 16 and apathetic, lazily scribbling the notes I am forced to take on the sermon being screamed at me from the pulpit, counting the seconds until I am free to go home and finish reading the book on Buddhism hidden between my mattress. I am 9 and practicing Hail Mary's and Our Father's until I get the exact words and intonation that is expected of me correct. I am 12 and I am Esther for Halloween at our church's watch night service. I am 14 and noticing the stares of the congregation that know the minister of music has slept with and knocked up some chick from his job. I am walking down the aisle staring them back, knowing that the minister of music is also my stepfather.


I walk my entire religious journey until there I am, the me I am in the present, tears streaming down my face as the last rites reverberate through the vaulted ceilings. I can't discern if I am crying because of the finality of this moment, because of what is yet to become, because of all the memories I have just relived, or because I recognize that I, as I am today, am not who I wish to be when my last rites are promulgated.


A little while later, I watch the heat rise from the cement as I make my way through a cemetery cluttered with weeping willows and stone. It's but a few mere minutes after noon, and there is sweat pooling in the curves of my back. I stay as far back from the lid of the shiny mahogany coffin as I can, the sun beating at my back, blind to what lies ahead of me. I can't understand a word the priest is saying, he's too far away, but the prayers are like a lover I haven't seen in awhile but still remember how they felt inside me. After a few more muffled words, the family pulls the purple ribbon on a wicker basket, releasing a gaggle of white doves that immediately wing towards the southern sun. For a moment, I imagine myself a believer, and try and take comfort in the fact that they can safely usher the spirit past purgatory, directly onto the side of the equipoise of life and death where it is to exist from this moment on.





May peace be with you.
And also, with you.

The Truth About Barack Obama

The wife turned me on to Slate awhile back and they never let me down. Here is my favoritest thing I have read thus far about the election.




The Truth About Barack Obama

The Barack Obama presidential campaign introduced a new site last week, FightTheSmears.com, that it hopes will debunk persistent myths about the senator: that he's a Muslim, that he won't say the Pledge of Allegiance, etc. As we have argued before, restating the myths often reinforces them, no matter how persuasively they've been refuted.

Rather than restate untruths about Obama, the campaign would do better to start some rumors of its own. Here's a template e-mail the Obama campaign might consider disseminating.

From: [Redacted]
To: [Redacted]
Subject: WHO IS BARACK OBAMA?

There are many things people do not know about BARACK OBAMA. It is every
American's duty to read this message and pass it along to all of their friends
and loved ones.

Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times. Even in the shower.

Barack Obama says the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE every time he sees an American flag. He also ends every sentence by saying, "WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL." Click here for video of Obama quietly mouthing the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE in his sleep.

A tape exists of Michelle Obama saying the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE at a conference on PATRIOTISM.

Every weekend, Barack and Michelle take their daughters HUNTING.

Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never
because he is STRONG.

Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It's upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups.

There's only one artist on Barack Obama's iPod: FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.

Barack Obama is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. His favorite book is the BIBLE, which he has memorized. His name means HE WHO LOVES JESUS in the ancient language of Aramaic. He is PROUD that Jesus was an American.

Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.

Barack Obama's new airplane includes a conference room, a kitchen, and a MEGACHURCH.

Barack Obama's skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL.

Barack Obama buys AMERICAN STUFF. He owns a FORD, a BASEBALL TEAM, and a COMPUTER HE BUILT HIMSELF FROM AMERICAN PARTS. He travels mostly by FORKLIFT.

Barack Obama says that Americans cling to GUNS and RELIGION because they are AWESOME.

Source

Who said Vanilla was Boring?

Ok real talk...

I've never really met a white boy that could get it on sight before. Not that they don't exist, because I'm sure that they do, it's just that I've met more goofy, All American, frat boy Zack Morris type white boys. Not far too sexy with undeniable swag white boys, which is what I tend to like in any man.

But then, fourscore and seven years ago, one of my favorite gay boys introduced me to this guy...

Jesus in the name of all things righteous and good.

Are you kidding me sir? How is it possible that he is not only disturbingly attractive but then he has the nerve to posess so much swag that surely he must have a black best friend. I mean come on! Look at this foolishness!!!

Or...

And then he goes and pulls this off...

The boy is even a cute nerd! wtf?!

And then the scruffy face?!?

Now granted, part of my fascination with Becks is because I think his wife is one of the fiercest women alive. I mean look at this hair.

Not to even mention the fact that in this picture she had on a de la Renta dress that I had been obsessed with since I saw it in Vogue and SIX INCH STILETTOS.

But really... this... this, this is just... I can't. CAN.NOT.

I am so ashamed of the things I have thought of doing to this married man.

**leaving for confession**

"Ima Hit Defrost on ya, let's Get it Blazin'..."

Aiight let's real talk it out for a second, yes?


We stay allllllll up in and through each other's shit right? We discuss everything from down low brothers to dick size to Dior to diaphragms, true? There are things you share or have shared with our little incestuous circle of blog family that you haven't even told your sister/best friend/work homie/brother/cousin that you love more than fish fries on the 4th, yeah? And for most of us, especially if we've been in the game for a little while, some of our blogger friends become real life friends. We talk to these people everyday. We meet them in real life. Text them. IM them. Call them. Shop with them. Break bread with them.

Because we STAY ALL UP IN AND THROUGH EACH OTHER'S SHIT.

But only in the good way. Not like that crazy nosy cousin who is forever making smart ass comments cuz she thinks you slept with the fine ass dude from up the street that everybody was trying to get with from around your way yeah I hit that. We keep it pretty trill around these parts, right?

And like I said, I know some of us deal with each other offline.


So let's be real...

WHO OUT THERE IN BLOGLAND IS FUCKING ANOTHER BLOGGER?

Oh. Ok. Yall close and sensitive and shit. You think using a term like 'fucking' doesn't do your relationship justice. That's cool. So who's dating? Interested? Flirting? If you wanna throw it back, 'talking'. Leave it in the comments. Leave links to their blogs, please. I'll even post a submission myself if you guys participate.


Ok you don't wanna put your business out there. That's cool. I'll even let you do it anonymously. And don't worry, I have a full time job and a life and a relationship and a dog that thinks my Banana Republic halter tops are chew toys. Ain't nobody got time or inclination to be trying to track down your anonymous ass comments and I don't know how to do that shit no way.

Even if you're not dating, what blogger are you so in love with, so infatuated with their style and their writing that you WOULD you like to maybe possibly holla at if the situation presented itself? You can leave that anonymously too.


And tell your friends to stop by and leave their secret blog crushes/relationships. I need some new blogs to read which is what this is really all about. :-)




You've got all weekend kids cuz I am A-town bound for the next few days. Any Atl bloggers? RJ email me or something! Let's get your antisocial ass out the house!

Seen on the Silver Screen

Me and Bob hustle into the movie theater long after its gone dark, having missed the movie we were really trying to see for... *ahem* "stuff".

We try in as much as we can to not disturb anyone as we climb all the way to the top. We pass a couple more enraputred with each other than the previews on the screen and Bob turns and says to me, not at all discreetly, "They'll be fuckin' before the lights go off all the way."I try not to roll down the stadium seats in front of me while I bend over laughing.

We settle on seats in the middle with no one sitting in front of us, which I appreciate because I'm little. Although Bob never has to worry about not being able to see over the heads of the people in front of us, I appreciate the pocket size person consideration. We sit, lift the arm rest and cuddle and talk as our interest in the previews ebb and flow.

"So baby what is it exactly that you wanna do? You wanna do more theater or you wanna be like in movies and stuff?"
"Um... all of it. Yeah," I respond quietly, cringing just a little because usually when I have this conversation with someone it is swiftly followed by a rude request to break into a song and dance routine on the spot that, in my younger days, left me feeling guilty for not carrying Broadway calibre lighting and sound equipment in my back pocket.
"I could see that mama. You've always wanted to?"
"Yeah. Since I was little. Its the only thing I ever remember wanting to do that didn't change with the seasons."
"So why aren't you?" I shrug, hoping I come off as unconcerned when in reality I wonder everyday if I am wasting my time and talent.
Punctuated with light kisses on my forehead, Bob says to me, "You can do it."
"You've never even seen me perform."
"You can do it."


The previews end and the theater goes completely dark, but not before I glance over at the couple at the end of our row and make out what may or may not be pants being unbuttoned. Jesus.

We sit, talking in low tones and giggling for much of the opening credits, passing the flask we smuggled in back and forth between us. I lean in, trying to get warm, settling in the nook. Bob leans over deliberately during one flask pass.

"You see it baby?"
"See what?" I ask all confused.
"Your name up there." I say nothing, just smile slightly, my head bowed. "I see it. In red. Your name has gotta be in red. I see it."

I bite my lip hard and pretend to be concentrating intently on the opening scenes of the movie until Bob gasps beside me.

"Look baby! There you are!" Bob says, more excited than a little kid, semi crooked smile wide, pointing at the screen. "And right there too. Baby look at you! You see you in the movies?"

I grab the hand outstretched at the screen, lace our fingers, and curl up tighter at Bob's side. I'm smiling wide, wider than I have in awhile, but I am thankful for the theater being dark so no one can see my tears.

"Nothing is as Far Away as One Minute Ago."

Time is an interesting illusion isn't it? You certainly feel, given whatever side of Twilight you are on, that it is in abundant supply, maybe not infinite but certainly plentiful. Especially if you're young, you tend to feel like you have more than sufficient time on your hands for your life to take some semblance of the shape you'd like it to. How many times have we heard the flippant disregarding of time? "We have all the time in the world." "I've got nothing but time on my hands."
What natural resource do we waste more than time, that we can never replenish, gain back, or find a substitute for?

Or maybe time is a sort of institution. A thing we are chained to, slave to, even if we don't recognize it. We are indentured to our workday, to the 24 hours we have to do everything that our life calls for and still find time to handle the things that unexpectedly arrive. How many times have we all said, "There aren't enough hours in a day."
But is there enough time ever, really?

I can't recall how many times I have looked back over my day, over my month or my year, and been exactly opposite of where I calculated I would end up. Things change. Conflicts arise. That simple thing you thought you could handle in "no time flat" became a complex issue anchored by sub-problems you have to solve before eventually solving the issue you set out to eradicate to begin with.


It is our way, to be careless with our time. We even tell our kids, "Don't stress. You have time to figure it out." I can't tell you how many times when I've, in the middle of a quarter life crisis, bemoaned the pitiful state my life is in, and someone sought to quell my growing hysteria by saying, "You have plenty of time."

I am 24 years old. I have time. I have time to (not) get married. I have time to decide if I will have kids get a puppy every time my maternal urge flairs up (which is pretty much next to never). I have time to see the world, and buy a mini cooper, and build my glass house completely around a 500 square foot closet for my shoes . I have time to figure out how to get my little brother into college despite him being a high school drop out. I have time to mend my relationships with my parents. Time to take Bob to Spain and to found my school and to fix my credit and to get my Master's and Ph.D and take that spa trip to Arizona and learn how to make pasta from scratch and learn Spanish and donate my eggs to an infertility foundation and make movies and buy Joy a car and research my family genealogy and grow my hair down to my ass and write a book. I'm young. Damn near infantile. I have time. We all do.


Until we don't have it anymore.


What do you do when all you have left is all the time you used to have?



If you're lucky, you spend that time in a house in New Orleans, surrounded by your family and your friends that are like family. Hopefully you spend it surrounded by laughter and spirited voices recalling happy memories. You can only hope that there will be an endless parade of friends and neighbors from all over 7th Ward, walking through the open and unlocked door to offer a story and a smile, a comforting touch to those you are leaving behind. Your eyes may not be open, but maybe with every inhale you will smell the aromas of the cuisine of the city you love and maybe it will bring to mind something that makes you smile. If you're lucky, you will spend your end of time under a barrage off kisses and short hugs and whispered I love you's in your ear. If you are lucky, everyone that comes to see you, to love on you, to pay their respects for the life you lived will see you not as the besieged vessel that cancer has stolen, but rather as the friend, the jokester, the playboy, the drinking buddy, the kind smile and easy manner that you were. You will be not a memory, but a presence, a warm blanket to those that wait for your illusioned time to pass. You won't be alone, a prisoner to the ticks of the clock, but rather completely engulfed by multitudes, by admiration and peace, by love.


If you're lucky.







So tell me, what are you doing to be lucky?

Hee Hee

So foolish for no reason...


So a Black Man is a Presidential Nominee...

Things I Would Have a Clone Do

Finally getting around to my list, so benevolently bestowed upon me by Ducktastic over there at Life Full Out.

Things I Would Have a Clone Do

(in no particular order)

Go to work for me.
Not because I hate work. My job is actually pretty tolerable and I love the people I work with. But I feel like sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day keeps me from doing the elective things I wanna do. Like that 10am pilates class at my gym. Or sleeping til 10am. Learning how to make homemade pasta from scratch. Taking Honey to the park everyday. Folding the laundry that has grown vines into my bed because I never seem to make it to putting them away after making them clean.

Have important conversations.
You know how you say to your boyfriend, "We need to talk" and you can see him physically wince? Yeah that's me? I am notsomuch with the talking. I kinda hate it. I recognize it as a neccessary evil, but it an evil nonetheless. Sure, I'll do it. But I'll need a shot first. And through much of the conversation I will have the screw face and continue to flinch as though you're about to hit me. But it's not just about me. It's better for you too, Important Person I Have to have Important Convo with. Because I get all ridiculous and inarticulate when these convos arise and we both just end up all confused. So if I could get a clone to do it, hopefully they could do it right and I, you know, could go get a martini or something and then check back in for the make up sex.

Do all my shopping.
Unless it's for shoes, handbags or makeup, I hate shopping. All kind of shopping. Clothes. Furniture. Grocery. I'm out. Clone is in. I'm on the couch watching 48 Hours (OBSESSED).

Go to family functions.
I will admit that I have all but checked out of all kinds of family participation. This is partially because I have issues, and partially because they have issues. We are all equal parts to blame. As it stands right now, I have very little desire to check back in. But I know it would make my family happy. So the clone could be sent to all weddings, graduations, holiday bbqs, family dinners, and other events as necessary.

Talk on the phone.
Surely I have mentioned my intense hate for talking on the phone. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but I'd rather be doing a million other things. I would SO much rather email or text or IM. Hence my love for my BB. And those things that I can't do via the written word, that require actual personal interaction (i.e. fighting with Sallie Mae), usually require some period of me being on hold. I hate that even moreso than actually having to call.

Jury duty, doctor's visits, DMV lines, etc.
All a waste of my time. Do you know how many drinks I could have consumed in the time it took me to get my Texas DL? And how many I had to consume quite quickly after I got it to make up for the fact that I had to get a Texas DL? **shudder**

Real Love

We all know, despite my romantic ruminations and rumblings of all things love related, that I only really have one true, real, and righteous love that never fails me and for whom my feelings never wane.






Shoes.


Ahh... shoes. :-)
Oh how I heart thee. Let me count the ways...

One...
Two....
Three...




Oh shoes. You never let me down. I can't believe I ever thought I could live life without these...





















And these... this wasn't living!!!



Oh the rapture...

And I don't even like pink...















*swoon*



And lest you think I spend my life running around in heels...

And last but not least, a gift for my fav AKA... if she were to ever wear anything even remotely close to sneakers...

No Debts

this time last year...

"La you are so fucked up."
"Excuse me?"
"You are so FUCKED up."
"Because I fucked you once and didn't fall all head over heels in love with your arrogant ass like all the other extra regular ass hoes you fuck wit' means I'm fucked up?!?!"
"No you're fucked up 'cuz you don't know shit about love. You have no muthafuckin' clue what to do with a good man when he's standing right the fuck in front of you," he says to me, beating his fist against his chest.
"I know plenty about love. I know good dick isn't love. I know just because I stood in this same spot and wrapped my leg around your head doesn't mean we should start picking out matching bands and china patterns and bullshit."
"That is not what love is about."
"And neither is anything we've done. Get serious."
"You are so fuckin' callous."
"And you are such a fuckin' pussy."

K.B. is staring at me, his eyes on fire, nostrils flared, fists clasped tightly at his sides. I'd be scared if I was scared of any man alive, and if this childish shit wasn't so hilarious to me.

"So that's all it was to you? Good dick."
"Yeah, pretty much. But if it makes you feel any better, it was great dick. Your head game could use some tightening up though."

I start gathering my stuff to go, smirking and shaking my head as the thick carpet swallows the noise of his pacing.

"If I could get my hands on that nigga I'd fuck him up for making you this way."

I wheel around so fast that I knock a picture off the low table next to the couch.

"Did it ever occur to you, KB," I spit vehemently, "that this has nothing to do with him? That maybe you can't charm and buy your way into a woman's heart if she has any kinda constitution about herself? That maybe you are alone at damn near 30 years old because you can't dick every woman you meet into submission?"

He glares at me. And I see he hates me. It tickles me. So I laugh.

"See that's the problem with niggas like you," I continue. "You're so damn reliant on your bullet points. You're so damn proud of yourself for being college educated, for not having kids or being divorced and having your shit together. That ain't special nigga. You ain't magic. That's what the fuck you're supposed to be doing. You ain't no glitch in the matrix."

He takes an angry step in my direction, staring me down like I'm supposed to cower. That makes me laugh out loud. I step up in his face.

"Oh you intimidating now KB? I'm supposed to be scared? Stumble over my words? Take back what I said?"
"You're a crazy bitch La."
"Real talk. Don't make me prove it. Get outta my fuckin' face."

He steps back outta my space and exhales hard.

"I could make you happy," he says to me, his tone the low erotic one he uses in bed.
"That's exactly why you won't," I retort, my eyes never leaving his crestfallen face. "Because you still think my happiness is contingent on somebody else. I know better."
"Well if it's not, then why have you let this random nigga make you so miserable? Why are you so wounded?"
"'Cuz I got my heartbroken asshole. But that doesn't mean I need you to save me. I don't need saving."
"Every woman needs saving from something."
"If that's the case then you won't be the one to save me."
"Why not? Why can't I be that dude?"
"Because you're not worthy."

My last comment takes him to couch, his hands pressed against either side of his head. He's rocking slightly, bent over at the waist. I walk towards the door.

"You're going to wanna come back. And I can't guarantee I'll be waiting," he says to the carpet. I laugh out loud again.
"Spaceships don't come equipped with rear view mirrors."

I undo the sets of locks to his door and yank it open.

"Wash your sheets. They still smell like Escada."

The door clicks shut behind me as I laugh down the hall.

* * * * * * *

The only sounds in the apartment are coming from Neicey Nash on TV scolding the family of four about the foolishness and mayhem they refuse to let go of for their yard sale on "Clean House." I'm on box number two, shredding receipts and 5 year old bank statements I have seen fit to keep for some reason. At some point I dug out a pair of blue handled scissors from the cyclone of paper that has hit the desk, but they aren't helping much. I'm curled up on the couch, giggling softly at Niecey but trying to stay quiet. I instinctively glance towards the closed bedroom door each time I laugh, then at the clock. Then I sigh. Keep cutting up receipts.

Every once in awhile, I come across a random picture or receipt or other memento of some memory and a slight smile tugs at the corners of my lips. After a couple hours, my legs are tight and knotted from sitting but I get up only to turn down the fan because I know I will be the only one in the house who's hot. Around 1am, I am on my last legs, and trying not to yawn.

The bedroom door opens to my right and out comes The Notorious B.O.B., all stumbling and bleary eyed from sleep. It's really cute and I bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing out loud.

"Hey mama," Bob says, all scratchy and still half asleep. "How much you got left?" Arms and legs find themselves tangled with mine and I breathe in the familiar scent I've come to know and love.

"Um... this is the last of this stuff up here. So then just the boxes downstairs."

"Cool."

"You left me all by myself!"

"Aww baby you coulda woke me up."

"Nah," I say, twisting my most favorite locs around my fingers, "you were sleepin' so HARD."

We laugh, a familiar timbre that I have come quite acquainted with, quite attached to, if I am to admit it.

"You watching Niecey?"

"You know it," I reply, all emotionally involved in the cable I don't have at home. "So baby tell me why they have lived in this house for six months."

We both look at the cataclysm that is this house on TV.

"You got to be fuckin' kidding me. Six months?!?!"

"Yessir. And why all three kids sleep in one ass bedroom?"

We sit that way for awhile, cracking jokes and sharing light touches, kissing during commercials.

"Babe did you see I have a shredder underneath the desk?"

"No nigga! Why you ain't tell me! I been sitting here cutting and tearing this shit since 'ever."

"I mean it don't work... but it's there."

*blank stare*

"You're fired."
"Stop firing me all the time."

"Ugh! You're the worst!"

"OR... am I the best?" Kisses are swiftly given to punctuate said declaration.

Cocky ass nigga. Can't stand that shit.

:-)

"Ok babe so this is it?"

"Yep," I reply, "all that's left is my clothes."

"Just your clothes?"

"Just my clothes."

"And you've got enough space?"

"Yeah I think so. I'm pretty sure I can get everything in the closet."

"And then you're home?"

"Then I'm home."

I am simultaneously exhilarated and humbled by what I am feeling at the prospect. I remember where I was, who I was, just a little over a short year ago. I wanna cry, but I won't. I just say a prayer of thanks in my head. For Him giving me exactly what I prayed for. Stillness. For Him knowing better than I. For Him knowing exactly what I needed even when I didn't want it. For Him just knowing.

"Let's take a shower, and then get you in the bed so we can get up in the morning. You've been up all night."

"Ok Bob," I say as I strip down and head towards the bathroom.

Later in bed, firmly ensconced in my favorite pair of arms, I remind myself of where I've been. I chuckle in my head at even the most foolish of things that I will never admit to. I smile in the darkness and let it wash over me, this thing I keep hearing about.

So this is what it feels like.

No debts.

Cream in Coffee or Coffee in Cream?

You know my most favorite part about applying for new jobs? Getting to the Affirmative Action section. Most of it is pretty easy and self explanatory.





Do you have a disability? Check the 'no' box.


Are you a veteran? 'no' Box


What is your race?





*blank stare*





Ay yo La, wtf is your race!?! Pick a box! But you can only pick one.




White. A person having origins in any of the original peoples of Europe, the Middle East, or North Africa. It includes people who indicate their race as "White" or report entries such as Irish, German, Italian, Near Easterner, Arab, or Polish. (how many white people do you know that would shit themselves in this Post 9/11 political climate to be lumped in with Arabs?)

Black or African American (not Hispanic) A person having origins in any of the Black racial groups of Africa. It includes people who indicate their race as Black, African American, or Negro, or provide written entries such as African American, Afro American, Kenyan, Nigerian, or Haitian." (If you think the fact that 'negro is included on this form is offensive, try the fact that the term wasn't officially done away with by the OMB until 2000)

American Indian and Alaska Native A person having origins in any of the original peoples of North and South America (including Central America) and who maintain tribal affiliation or community attachment (so I'm only considered American Indian if I maintain tribal affiliation? Screw the ancestry?)

Asian A person having origins in any of the original peoples of the Far East, Southeast Asia, or the Indian subcontinent including, for example, Cambodia, China, India, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Pakistan, the Philippine Islands, Thailand, and Vietnam. It includes Asian Indian, Chinese, Filipino, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Other Asian. (So if I'm Asian Indian but don't maintain tribal affiliation does that mean I just drop the Indian? And is Other a country in Asia I am unaware of?)

Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander A person having origins in any of the original peoples of Hawaii, Guam, Samoa, or other Pacific Islands. It includes people who indicate their race as Native Hawaiian, Guamanian or Chamorro, Samoan, and Other Pacific Islander. (So does this mean Obama has to check this box? Or no? Because he's black? And White?)

Some other race Includes all other responses not included in the White, Black or African American, American Indian and Alaska Native, Asian and Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander race categories described above. Respondents providing write-in entries such as multiracial, mixed, interracial, Wesort, or a Hispanic/Latino group (for example, Mexican, Puerto Rican, or Cuban)




Ok. I mean, I can read. But here's what throws me...





Black or African American (not Hispanic or Latino) But...

"...who maintain tribal affiliation or community attachment..." Oh...





And sometimes they get fancy...



Two or more races (not Hispanic or Latino) Um...





Or they get very specific...





What is your ethnicity, regardless of race?

Hispanic or Latino
Not Hispanic of Latino





(These are the only divisions of ethnicity?)








So, what ARE you, La?





Melungeon. Redbone. Quintroon. Mestee. Mulatto. We-Sorts. Zambo. Moreno. Quadroon. Octoroon. Afro-Latin American. Baster. Cholo. Creole. Pardo. Colored. Marabou. Blatino. Brass Ankles. Half Breed. Blaxican. Castizo. Multiethnic. Griqua. Amerindian. Taino. Biracial. Multiracial. Blaxica. Caucindiblack. Boriqua. Hexadecaroon.





It is any wonder I dunno what the fuck to check on these little boxes?








Of course if you're not multiracial, or biracial, or whatever the hell it's called this minute, you don't really understand my pain. Or the guilt I feel when I can only check one box. Or the mini-identity crisis that ensues every time I read the ifs ands buts and what ifs that are supposed to quantify my racial and ethnic identity (which can apparently only be Hispanic or Latino or not Hispanic and Latino). I certainly don't propose a laundry list of race friendly terminology on every self identification form or any foolishness thereof. But here's what I DO recommend...





Stop telling me I have good hair.
My hair is a constant struggle. Sure, it looks fantastic when I leave the house, but I more than likely spent 2 hours wrangling it into some form of presentable. Maybe it's curly. Maybe it's pressed straight and hanging down my back. Either way, it's a pain in my racially confused ass. It wouldn't hurt for you to acknowledge that.


Don't look at me like a race traitor because I don't use Fashion Fair makeup.
Or any "ethnic" product du jour. It breaks me out. And I guarantee you that 99% of makeup of minorities don't have not no parts of foundation that matches my skin. Nowhere. I put $100 on that.


Don't ask me how I "got my skin so light" or any variation of the theme.
You haven't lived until someone has wandered up to you and asked you what bleaching cream you used.


Don't give me the confused head tilt and ask me, "What ARE you?"
The answer will always be, "I are about to kick your ass."

Don't call me "high yellow", "Redbone", "Creole", "Mutt", "Hybrid" or any of that other shit.
I'm La. It's nice to meet you. My mother gave me 2 names. You may feel free to use either one. I won't answer to any of those above.


Assume that I think I am better/smarter/prettier/likely to be more successful than my darker counterparts.
I didn't even realize people still bought into this bullshit until someone assumed that my life goal was to be a video ho... because "isn't that what your type like to do?"



It goes all ways though. White people could...



Stop trying to sell me Estee Lauder.
And most other typical "white" makeup product. It dries my skin out. And without fail makes my skin so pale I look like I am preparing for my funeral.


Not see me and my daddy together and rudely assume I'm not his.
This is my daddy:







I realize it would be foolish of me to believe that all people would automatically assume I'm his kid. Just please also recognize that it is foolish of you to pull him over, Office Dumb Ass, because you think he has kidnapped me.


Stop assuming you can guess my ethnicity... and start telling racist jokes.
That goes for you, former employer who got a little too comfortable and started telling racist jokes about Black people... and for you Ivy League guy who was trying to impress me with talk of your travels to Latin America and the Caribbean and found great humor in telling me that Puerto Ricans and Dominicans are "dumpster races and cultural bastards" and then being shocked when I curse you out.



And Hispanic/Latino (so sayeth the Census Bureau) people could...


Stop sneering at me because I don't speak fluent Spanish.
Or because I don't understand Cuban Spanish. Or because sometimes I call them chickpeas. Or because despite my penchant for paella, I try not to fuck with starches (i.e. tortillas and potatoes.)


Not assume I am ashamed of my heritage.
Thanks.


Condemn me to the fires of hell because I am not Catholic.
I'm not Catholic for many reasons outside of the fact that my mother is black(ish).





With the inevitable (despite what Hillary says) nomination of Barack Obama as the democratic nominee for president of this country, the issues of mixed raced citizens are becoming a popular point of interest for various pundits and social critics. (By the way, don't you love how Obama is always the 'first African American nominee'? No one ever says, "If Obama wins he will be the youngest Caucasian to ever hold office." I guess if you have to leave out something, it would logically his mother's whole side of the family, even though that's really the only one he's ever known. Go ahead and tell me the one drop rule is dead.) It isn't a new issue, it isn't even an issue wildly unique to America. (I have a Dominican friend who will NOT admit to her friends that her mother is a Spaniard.) There are support groups and articles and essays and new awareness about the fact that, while a small group, multiracial/ethnic people are a substantial one. And one with unique perspectives on what it means to try and delicately straddle the definitive fences between cultures and races without damaging your most delicate parts. It's probably not quite as hard for me as it was for my mom, won't be as hard for my kids as it was for me. But the fact that so many people still feel the urge to quantify some parts of me and disregard others, lends itself to a certain kind of unique identity crisis that you can't know unless you've lived it. Yes, I know you've heard it all, blahblahblah not black enough or white enough, yadda. But what about the gray areas? And what about a world, and a country more specifically, where who you are is so tied up in your color? Imagine if the very ancestral strand that you prided yourself on and built your identity around was questioned because you are somehow less than. I remember having a woman tell me that I couldn't really be outraged about slavery because I "woulda been a house nigga anyway."
About 2 months ago.



For most people of any race, they check a box and deal with the apprehension of whether or not they will be discarded because they aren't the particular entity that company needs to fill a quota: white men wonder if they'll be passed over for a Hispanic woman. Black and Hispanic people wonder if they'll be discarded just because they are Black and Brown. Women wonder if they won't get the high paying executive job dealing with finance because "women aren't good with numbers." It's a crap shoot really. You could be helping yourself or shooting yourself in your affirmative action foot. Some people always wonder if they got the job because they deserved it or because there weren't enough Asian people or women or Hispanic people working in that particular company or department.



But what if you, like I, constantly wonder if you are discounted because they, like the rest of the world, have no idea what to do with you?

I Have a Headache...

...that I have had for 3 weeks.

I'm sitting at my desk at work and I can barely function. Even my eyeballs hurt. This is not a good look.
Apparently the rumor is that it is stress...?

*le sigh*



I need to sit and be still and not talk to anyone cuz I'm not so good at it.
But alas, I must go to the store and clean my house and wash one more load of laundry and go get my toes done and do my hair and pack because I am going out of town this weekend.



I need a drink.



I know you can't take nail polish and shit on planes, but how do we feel about a couple miniature bottles stewardess airline hoe flight attendant? No. That's cool.

I'll just get fucked up before I get on the plane.
Will someone wake me up if I pass out in the airport?
(Not to self: do not wear skirt lest you pass out all sprawled and shit)


Why is everyone (but me) plotting on my hypothetical uteran invasion? I'm not feeling the baby tip. Please leave my feminine inner workings out of your conversation about the supposed inevitable female bearing of fruit. You want one? You have it. Ass.



I wish Hilary Clinton would shut the fuck up. No one is discriminating against you cuz you're a woman. People aren't voting for you because you're a LIAR misspeaker. And because you're an idiot. All that money and "experience" and paid spin doctors and shit... and all you can come up with is you "misspoke"? Fuck outta here. I'm not voting for you because doing so would be an insult to my intelligence. And your insistence in selfishly delaying the inevitable in order to show women that "you don't quit when it gets hard" is bullshit. I'm not stupid. This isn't feminism. It's pride. Your ego won't let you sit your middle class, Ivy League educated, elite ass down. Don't feed me bullshit and call it feminism. Don't lose a campaign because you foolishly thought you were the shoe-in candidate and now you refuse to let the colored man beat you. And don't tell me that when you do stupid shit like "misspeak" or inject a couple million of your own money into your campaign or rail that you're essentially the white folks candidate, and the media calls you on, it is sexism. Even if that was remotely true, I refuse to ignore the historic fabric of this country which we all know weaves into a subjugated and racist tapestry wherein there are more people here who'd prefer a white woman as president that a nigger.
Get real.
Saddown.


I need to take 6 pairs of shoes with me for 5 days. WHAT?!?!? I DO!!!! Stop judging me!!!



Is it wrong that I wanna do some tequila shots... just to lick the salt? Damn PMS.




I might be kinda cranky...?






I should probably take a nap before I tackle any of the stuff I have to do this evening. Picture me laid out Blanche DuBois style, curtains drawn, arm flung over my eyes and drink in hand.


Hey... that's just my swag.